Night of the Frozen Iguana

Night of the Frozen Iguana

James Bond creeps through the palm trees and underbrush with his gun in his hand. He’s hunting down the Iranian spy and assassin, Naveed Tassim. Tassim is in Palm Beach to infiltrate Mar-a-Lago. 

Tassim sees Bond in his white tuxedo. What was Bond thinking, wearing white?

Tassim raises the gun in his left hand. He flips off the safety. Naveed has Bond in his sights.

A twenty-pound frozen iguana falls on Tassim’s gun hand. His gun discharges into the ground. Bond spins, shoots, and Tassim lies dead on the ground. 

Bond picks up the frozen iguana.

Bond: The Lizard People make good security guards even when frozen. I’ll give this to Trump.

Trump holds up the frozen iguana.

Trump: Look at this beautiful lizard. He saved the life of a dear friend. The Iranians may send their assassins, but I have the Lizard King on my side. The right side. Maybe I’ll send this to the Ayatollah in Tehran as a souvenir.

Ayatollah opens the box from Mar-a-Lago. It contains the frozen iguana.

Ayatollah: What the hell is this?

President of Iran: The Americans are using iguana assassins. Good thing this one froze in the luggage compartment of the airliner.

Ayatollah: Send Trump a Bengal Monitor. Two can play at this lizard assassin game.

A week later…

Trump is headed across the lawn of Mar-a-Lago to get in his helicopter, Marine One. A huge Bengal Monitor runs across the grass and jumps in the air towards Trump. The Secret Service agents shoot the big lizard in mid-air.

Trump: So it’s Lizard War! Send in the iguanas! The Ayottalah will get the Mother of All Lizard Warfare. Our iguanas are the best in the world. There’s no stopping them. Our Lizard Army will take care of the problem.

And thus the Lizard War began. Bengal Monitors are dumped all over Florida. Iguanas invade Tehran and Iranian missile sites. Soon, there was an insect shortage in both countries. America was running short of food for the iguanas. Iran was running out of Bengal Monitors.

A truce was called. The Lizard War ended, but the people still remember The Attack of the Lizard People & The Night of the Iguana. It was terrifying.

TJM