Uncle Stubby, September 27th, 2025

Uncle Stubby September 27th, 2025

It’s another warm sunny day in Los Angeles. The Powder Blue Tuxedo Boys are in their usual booth at the Frolic Room on Hollywood Boulevard. They are drinking Beck’s Beers. “Ride My See Saw” by the Moody Blues is on the jukebox. The 5 PM TV news is on the television over the bar.

TV announcer: A prehistoric skull was discovered recently in western China. At first, anthropologists thought it was Homo erectus, but soon discovered the skull was of a different species, Homo longhi.

Patrick: Sounds like a porn star.

TV announcer: The skull was determined to be at least 1.5 million years old. This pushes back the timeline for humans on Earth. Another ancient skull was discovered outside of Jerusalem in Israel. It was named Homo skhul. The skull is also 1.5 million years old. It had severe wounds to the head. Anthropologists surmise that the Skhul were a warlike people.

Patrick: That figures.

Timothy: That Homo skhul skull looks like my Uncle Stubby’s skull.

Patrick: Was your Uncle Stubby a Hebrew?

Timothy: No. He lived in South Dakota.

Patrick: I hesitate to ask, but how do you know your Uncle Stubby’s skull looks like a skull from Homo skhul?

Timothy: Uncle Stubby had a farm on the banks of the Missouri River. He grew watermelons there. The black loam and sandy soil are perfect for the melons. Uncle Stubby’s watermelons would always win first prize at the South Dakota State Fair.

Patrick: So?

Timothy: Uncle Stubby had a neighbor, Sven Svenson. They were always arguing about the property line between their farms. Sven Svenson thought the watermelon patch was on his land. Uncle Stubby thought Sven Svenson was stealing his watermelons. They fought over it all the time.

Patrick: Please get to the point.

Timothy: One evening after supper, Uncle Stubby told Aunt Edith he was going down to check on his watermelon patch by the river. He never came back. Uncle Stubby’s clothes were found on the bank of the river. The police figured he went for a swim and drowned. The river current was fast there. It was just downstream from Gavins Point Dam.

Patrick: But…

Timothy: A few years later, a treasure hunter with a metal detector found what he thought was gold, near Uncle Stubby’s old watermelon patch. The treasure hunter dug down and found Uncle Stubby’s skull. Uncle Stubby had 8 gold crowns. He was a fanatic about his teeth. He said only gold makes good crowns on the molars.

Patrick: And Uncle Stubby’s skull looked just like the Homo skhul skull.

Timothy: Yeah. But the Homo skhul skull doesn’t have any gold crowns.

Patrick: I guess Homo skhul wasn’t a teeth fanatic.

Timothy: Hebrews don’t go into dentistry. They want the surgeon’s big money.

Patrick: Was Sven Svenson accused of killing Uncle Stubby?

Timothy: No. Uncle Stubby drowned, and his body was buried in the riverbank by a change in the current.

Patrick: This is why we don’t live in South Dakota.

Timothy: It’s really good watermelon, though.

Fin
PK & TJM