The AI Awards Gala

The AI Awards Gala, June 5th, 2025

Timothy and Patrick are wearing their powder blue tuxedos. Eddie is in the chopper, too. They are flying in Tim Cook’s personal helicopter to the Apple HQ in Cupertino in Silicon Valley. Tim Cook is flying the helicopter. All four are wearing headsets so they can communicate over the noise of the helicopter blades.

Patrick: Mr. Cook. Why did you buy an old Huey Army chopper from the Vietnam War days?

Tim Cook: The sound of the Huey scares the hell outta the gook techies. It keeps them in line.

Timothy: Thanks for the gig hosting your Artificial Intelligence Awards Gala. Who’s going to be there?

Tim Cook: Politicians and people from the entertainment industry, but I repeat myself. We are going to have a debate about AI, and then I’m going onstage to roll out the new Apple Intelligence software.

Patrick: I don’t like the sound of that.

Timothy: Sounds like Apple has joined the CIA.

Tim Cook: You are paid to do the show, not to give me your opinions.

The chopper lands on the helipad next to the huge flying saucer of a building that is the Apple headquarters. Patrick, Timothy, and Eddie enter the building. They are soon lost.

Timothy: Where the hell is the auditorium?

Patrick: It’s supposed to be down this way.

Eddie: I think we are going in circles.

Patrick: We hired you to do security, not give us your opinions.

Eddie: At least you let me wear a black tuxedo, tie, and shirt. Those powder blue tuxedos make me look fat and stupid.

Timothy: Are you trying to tell us your opinions again?

Our Frolic Room Trio finally finds the auditorium and goes backstage. The auditorium is set up with round dinner tables and tableware. The politicians, entertainment moguls, and celebrities are all dressed up in their finery. They head for their seats.

The curtain parts. Timothy and Patrick take their places at the microphone on the left side of the stage.

Patrick: Welcome one and all, sexes are so confusing nowadays, to the AI Awards Gala.

Timothy: Tonight, we will have speakers discussing the pluses and minuses of artificial intelligence.

Timothy: Our first speakers are the Bhagwan Rajneesh and Reverend Paulo Bentini from the Vatican.

Applause.

Bhagwan Rajneesh: Many think this AI is a reincarnation. This is not so. 

Reverend Paolo Benanti: Reincarnation is an abomination against God!

Bhagwan Rajneesh: Ah, Sahib Payola speaks. You promise life after death. Such a con game.

Rev. Paolo Benanti: Reincarnation’s con is about the soul coming back in a rat or an eagle. Such nonsense. No wonder you have such few suckers sending you money.

Patrick: Gentlemen, please. We are here to discuss artificial intelligence. 

Bhagwan Rajneesh: Sahib Payola and the Vatican have plenty of it.

Rev. Paolo Benanti: How many Rolls-Royces do you own now, Bagman? Do you have every color yet?

Bhagwan Rajneesh: At least my personal disciples are young women, real women, unlike your little boys and sexbots.

Timothy: Okaaaayyyyy! I think it’s time to bring up our next speakers.

Patrick: Who are Fabien Curto Millet of Google and Daniel Heuman, CEO of Intelligent Editing?

Timothy: And we could all use some of that.

Applause.

Tom Cruise stands on a table and shouts: I do my own stunts! I don’t need no stinkin’ AI!

Harvey Weinstein is heard to mutter: Dream on, little man.

Fabien Curto Millet: AI is the future of humanity. AI will make us all wealthier, happier, and healthier.

Daniel Heuman: AI is the end of humanity. AI will make us poor, depressed, and sick.

Fabien: Is your name really “Heuman”? You look like Spock.

Heuman: Is your name really Fabien Millet? Sounds like an Italian breakfast cereal.

Fabien: Venusians aren’t allowed into this country. I’m calling ICE.

Heuman: Fabian wants his comb back. You look like an AI robot to me.

Patrick: Gentlemen, gentlemen. Please, can’t we have an honest debate?

But it’s too late. Fabien and Heuman are having a very bad match of fisticuffs as neither can land a blow. Eddie comes onstage to separate the two and drag them into the wings.

Patrick: And now our gracious host, Tim Cook.

Tim Cook comes onstage wearing his usual tight jeans, loafers, open dress shirt, and fake grin.

Tim Cook: Apple is proud to announce the launch of Apple Intelligence. This new software will record a screenshot of your computer every second in real time. Apple Intelligence will know your likes, dislikes, political opinions, sex preferences, and what you like to buy.

Tom Cruise jumps up on his table again.

Cruise: You are insane! You want to replace us actors! We won’t have it!

Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, and Harrison Ford rush the stage. Well, Ford rushes as fast as he can. The actors in the audience start throwing their salads at Tim Cook.

Tim Cook is dodging lettuce and tomatoes.

Patrick: I think we should leave.

Timothy: Hey, Eddie, you still know how to fly a Huey?

Eddie: Of course.

Patrick: Let’s go.

Fin

TJM & PK