Heartless Harriet

Heartless Harriet, March 16th, 2024

Powder Blue Tuxedo Boys

It’s a cold and gloomy afternoon in Los Angeles. Patrick and Timothy are in their booth at the Frolic Room, drinking the usual Beck’s beers. “El Paso” by Marty Robbins is playing on the jukebox.

Patrick’s cell phone rings.

Patrick: Hellll-ohh.

Clint Eastwood: I want you two powder blue morons to write a screenplay for my granddaughter, Graylen. She’s 25 and is an actress. The movie will be…

Patrick: Sure! Sure! We can do that.

Clint: Don’t interrupt me again or I’ll come down there. Put me on speakerphone so your long haired girlie boy partner can hear me.

Timothy: I can hear you, Clint.

Clint: How exciting. You are making my testicles tremble. I want you two numb nuts to write a comedy/parody of my Dirty Harry movies. Graylen will be my granddaughter in the movie and a tough cop.

Patrick: Sure, Clint. Will you be willing to do a cameo in the film?

Timothy: Who the fuck names their daughter “Graylen”? Is she a fish?

Patrick: Don’t make that joke, please.

Clint: Shut up! Sure, I’ll do a cameo at the beginning of the picture to set the scene. I just need you two illiterate imbeciles to write the script. Ya know, villain, motivation, funny lines. We’ll set the movie in San Francisco like the original Dirty Harry films.

Patrick: Are you going to direct?

Timothy: Can we stay at the Fairmont during filming? The views from the top of Nob Hill are great.

Clint: You guys write the script. If it’s any good, you’ll get your usual fee.

Click.

Timothy: I wonder how Clint heard about us?

Patrick: He’s seen us get run off stage at the Oscars often enough.

Timothy: Okay, we call her “Heartless Harriet.” She’s a tough cop who was raised by her grandfather, Harry Callahan.

Patrick: And her grandmother, Kathleen Callahan. We can get Kathleen Turner to play that part. She’s perfect.

Timothy: The opening credits have music by Clint and his son Kyle. The background shows photos in frames of Clint and Kathleen raising little Harriet. Showing her how to shoot guns. Buying her slacks and a tweed sport coat.

Patrick: We have to start the movie with an action sequence like the old Dirty Harry films. We’ll have Harry, Kathleen, and Harriet on a wine tour of Napa. They are sipping wine in the tasting room of some fancy winery.

Timothy: Screams are heard coming from the vineyard. People are shouting.

…

Harry: Well, Harriet, the big city cop, maybe you should go look into that.

Kathleen: Harry, we are on a vacation. Let Harriet enjoy her wine.

Harry gives Harriet the stare.

Harriet: Damn!

Harriet runs out of the tasting room and into the vineyard. She pulls out her gun as she goes up and down the rows.

A machete blade swings past her ear. Harriet spins and points the gun at the Mexican.

Harriet: Where you going with that knife, Pedro?

Pedro runs into the vineyard. Harriet’s gun shoots once, twice, again, then a fourth time. She see’s the machete glinting in the sun and with the fifth shot, shoots it out of the Mexican’s hand.

Harriet walks up to the Mexican lying in the dirt between the vines. The Mexican eyes his machete.

Harriet: No you don’t. Now I don’t remember how many shots I fired. It may have been five, it may have been six. Do you feel lucky?

The Mexican moves his hand away from the machete. The security staff runs up to handcuff the suspect.

Mexican: Wait. I gots to know.

Harriet: This is a Glock. It holds 15 bullets, ya fucking idiot.

Harriet goes back to the tasting room. She sits back down in her seat.

Harry: I smell gunpowder. Did ya kill the guy?

Harriet: No. Just scared him. He only had a machete.

Kathleen: Your ear is bleeding! Give her a napkin, Harry!

Harry gives Harriet a napkin, and she puts it on her bleeding right ear.

Harry: Now you can run for President.

Harriet: Very funny. I just showed him my Glock, and he damn near passed out.

Harry: You use a Glock?

Harriet: Rhymes with my favorite part of male anatomy.

Kathleen: She gets that from you, Harry.

Harry: I thought it was you.

…

Patrick: Okay, that’s the opening. Now what?

Timothy: We need a villain in San Francisco for Harriet to catch.

Patrick: How about Nancy Pelosi? Remember, during Covid, she went and had her hair done on the down low, and no one else could go to the beauty salons.

Timothy: Yeah, all her neighbors up on Pacific Heights hung hair dryers in the tree in front of Pelosi’s house.

Patrick: Sure. So Pelosi goes around shearing the hair off of all the rich women and gay men who put their hair dryers in her tree.

Timothy: And Harriet finally confronts Pelosi.

Patrick: Harriet disarms Pelosi, who is carrying scissors and a battery-powered razor.

Timothy: Pelosi begs for mercy.

Pelosi: I’ve heard about you. You’re the granddaughter of that damn Dirty Harry cop that gave my grand uncle a heart attack with a blank note.

Harriet: Not true. My grandpa wiped his ass with it first.

Pelosi: You really are heartless.

Patrick and Timothy, in unison: Kaching!

TJM and PK