The Powder Blue Tuxedo Boys & The Shamrock of St. Feliz

The Powder Blue Tuxedo Boys & The Shamrock of St. Feliz
March 7th, 2024

It’s a beautiful 74F sunny day in Los Angeles. Patrick and Timothy decide to forego the Frolic Room on such a beautiful afternoon. They take the light rail to Santa Monica Beach.

The Powder Blue Tuxedo Boys are wearing their usual beach attire. Patrick is wearing a black crushed velvet leisure suit, work boots, a black fedora, and wrap-around sunglasses.

Timothy is wearing Bermuda shorts, Madras shirt, sandals, Kansas City Royals cap, and clip-on dark lenses on his spectacles.

Timothy: Smell that sea air! Listen to the lapping waves. Ahhh, this is grand.

Patrick: It is better than looking at Eddie all afternoon. And if I hear “Stairway to Heaven” on Eddie’s jukebox one more time, I’m sending Eddie up those stairs.

Timothy: Yeah. Eddie is going through some kind of Led Zeppelin LSD flashback stage.

The boys keep walking along the beach looking for seashells or perhaps just avoiding litter on the sand.

Patrick: What’s that glowing green in the water?

Timothy: Probably some radioactive vomit from West Hollywood.

Patrick: No! Look, it’s a shamrock!

Timothy: It looks old.

Patrick: It sure looks okay though.

Patrick picks up the glowing green shamrock. It is on a necklace of gold filament.

Timothy: Amazing. Where do you think it’s from?

Patrick: Perhaps my patron saint went for a swim in Galway and swam to LA.

Timothy: St. Patrick can swim?

Patrick: Look. It says “The Shamrock of St. Feliz” on it.

Timothy: There is no Saint Feliz. There is a Saint Felix. I think he was a Pope who came to a bad end.

Patrick: “X”…”Z”, who cares? They are both little used letters at the end of the alphabet, interchangeable no doubt in St. Patrick’s time.

Timothy: Maybe we should take it to the local Catholic Church?

Patrick: Are you ever going to get over your altar boy days? You see anything religious and you run to church.

Timothy: I enjoyed being an altar boy.

Patrick: I bet you did.

Timothy: You know. Ringing the bells and doing the Lavabo routine. It was like being onstage. I was under a lot of pressure not to screw up and ring the bells at the wrong time or spill the Lavabo water.

Patrick looks at Timothy as if he’s never really seen him before.

Patrick: Well, the Oscars are this weekend. Maybe you will be nominated for Best Altar Boy Performance in a Kneeling Position.

Timothy looks at Patrick as if he’s never really seen him before.

The boys hear a cry for help. A young girl is caught in the surf. Her dog has been swept out to sea by a wave. Patrick and Timothy run to the rescue. Patrick has the Shamrock of St. Feliz hanging around his neck.

Patrick: I’ll take the girl. You take the dog.

Timothy: Again?

Patrick wades into the surf and drags the girl onto the beach. Timothy swims out and brings the dog in.

Patrick leans over the girl who isn’t breathing. The dog is licking her face.

Patrick: Get the dog out of here!

Timothy drags off the dog. Patrick puts the Shamrock of St. Feliz onto the girl’s chest. She begins to breathe again.

A crowd has gathered. A Catholic priest in his black cassock, forces his way through the crowd to the girl on the sand.
Priest: Is she okay?

Patrick: She’s breathing all right.

Priest: I had a vision at Mass this morning that I must come to Santa Monica Beach. Is that the Shamrock of St. Feliz on her chest?

Patrick: It would appear so.

Priest: That Shamrock is a Holy Relic of the Church and must be returned to the Vatican.

Timothy: Is there a finder’s fee?

Priest: I will pray for you both at Mass tomorrow.

The EMTs arrive and an Animal Shelter Group. The girl and the dog are taken away. The priest takes the Shamrock of St. Feliz.

Timothy and Patrick are soaking wet. No one offers them a towel or even says, “Thank you.” The lifeguard tells them to move along and get off the beach.

Timothy and Patrick look at each other. They borrow a cell phone and tell Eddie to come and get them and to bring a towel and some dry clothes.

The rest of the afternoon is spent in their booth at the Frolic Room drinking Becks.

Timothy: I think I still have sand up my ass crack.

Patrick: Do you really think that priest is going to pray for us at Mass tomorrow?
Eddie: The day a priest prays for you two sinners will be the Second Coming.

The jukebox begins to play “The Battle of Evermore”.

Fin