Yellow Beard

Yellow Beard, February 27th, 2026

People called her Yellow Beard. The piratess didn’t like the name. IF anyone called her Yellow Beard to her beardless face, she would cut off one of their body parts with her cutlass.

One fine day in May of 1720, Yellow Beard took her pirate ship, the Bonnie Blonde, into the Bermuda Triangle. A large storm engulfed the pirate ship. All sails were taken in. The hatches were battened down. The ship’s pump could barely keep up with the water leaking into the ship.

Suddenly, the storm abated. The sun came out, and the Bonnie Blonde continued into the shipping lanes between the Americas and Spain looking for booty.

Yellow Beard had many wenches in her day, and the crew much bounty. The Bonnie Blonde was a lucky ship.

A fast moving ship appeared on the horizon. Yellow Beard espied it with her spyglass.

Yellow Beard: All crew on deck! We’ve got some booty to board.

The crew manned their stations. All sail was set for an interception course with the target ship.

Captain Caine of the Coast Guard cutter Dubious saw the sailing ship approaching.

Captain Caine: Is Hollywood making a film out here?

First Mate Gilligan: I doubt it, skipper. We didn’t get any notice of it.

Captain Caine: Looks like the drug runners are scraping the bottom of the barrel after we blew up their speedboats. Flank speed! Battle stations!

The crew of the Dubious man their guns, don their life vests, and prepare the Zodiac to board the target ship.

Yellow Beard: Prepare to fire cannon, and board the pretty prize!

First Mate, Hooly: Aye. She’s a pretty bit of booty indeed.

The cannons of the Bonnie Blonde roar flame as the cannon balls are sent at the Dubious.

Captain Caine: Are those cannons firing at us?

Gilligan: I don’t think they’re Roman Candles.

The cannon shot lands around the US Coast Guard cutter, with two of them banging off the steel hull and falling into the sea.

Captain Caine: Give them a few bursts of the fifty caliber machine guns.

The fifty caliber shells tear through the rigging of the Bonnie Blonde. The pirate ship loses speed and soon becomes motionless on the waves.

Yellow Beard: What manner of weaponry is this? Surely it is the work of the devil.

Hooly: Looks like machine gun fire to me.

Yellow Beard: We never should have let you on board when we found you marooned in the Bahamas.

Hooly: These things happen.

The pirate ship continues to drift on the sea as the Coast Guard cutter approaches and stops 100 yards away.

Captain Caine: Lower the Zodiac. Go, board that ship, and search it for drugs.

Yellow Beard: What the hell is that? They are going to board us with that little thing?

Hooly: Maybe we should hunker down below the gunwales and give them a surprise.

Yellow Beard: Make it so.

The pirates throw over a rope ladder so the Coasties can board.

As the five Coast Guard sailors board the Bonnie Blonde, the pirates rise up with cutlasses and pistols. The Coasties respond with AR-15s. It’s not a fair fight.

The pirates lay bleeding on the deck. Blonde Beard is captured. The ship is searched. The booty is found, but no drugs.

Fortunately, no one was killed in the short gunfight. The pirates’ wounds were superficial. They surrendered quickly to the superior firepower of the boarding party.

The prisoners and booty were transferred to the Dubious. The Bonnie Blonde was towed to Ft Lauderdale. The loot was sent to Mar-a-Lago. The Bonnie Blonde became an attraction at Disney World in Orlando.

As for Yellow Beard and the crew, most of the crew were set free. They hadn’t broken any laws on International waters. It was ruled self-defense in a Miami courtroom.

The crew settled in Miami and became drug smugglers.

Yellow Beard was hired by a major motion picture studio. She starred in many films, married a rich film producer, and became very wealthy when he died (under mysterious circumstances).

Yellow Beard became the Governor of California and is now the President of the United States.

TJM