The Powder Blue Tuxedo Boys at the North Pole

The Powder Blue Tuxedo Boys at the North Pole

September 22, 2025

It’s a very hot afternoon in Los Angeles. Patrick and Timothy are in their usual booth at the Frolic Room on Hollywood Boulevard, drinking some Beck’s Beers. The jukebox is playing “Into the Great White North” by Rush.

Patrick’s phone rings.

Patrick: Oh, hi, Harrison. What can I do for you?

Patrick: What? You’re kidding… Sure, we can do the job, but it’s cold up there…you’ll pay double?… Okay. We’ll meet you in Nome.

Timothy: Nome, Alaska? Are you nuts? I worked there for a year on a gold dredge. The sun shines all day in the summer and not at all in the winter. There are no trees. The weather is awful. I lived in a double-wide trailer. Some guy was always banging away on an Eskimo next door. Polar bears go down the street. Nome makes Bakersfield look like paradise.

Patrick: It’s a lot of money. Harrison Ford plans to fly his Twin Otter on skis to the North Pole. He’s taking Tom Cruise and Mel Gibson with him.

Timothy: What? Brad Pitt couldn’t come?

Patrick: He may show up. They all want to fly to the North Pole to claim the Arctic Ocean for all mankind.

Timothy: How kind of them. It’s all ice, twenty feet thick.

Patrick: All we have to do is meet them in Nome. Harry flies us all out to the North Pole to make the video claiming the Arctic as a weapons-free zone. Easy money.

Timothy: No nukes! No nukes! No nukes!

Patrick: Yeah. That’s the idea. I already have our powder blue snow suits and parkas.

Timothy: I’m bringing my hidden camera just in case your video equipment fails. As I said, it’s cold up there!

Patrick: Last time you used that camera, your long hair got in the way of the video. It looked like some kind of hair salon porno movie.

…

The boys fly to Nome, Alaska. It’s already below zero even though it is only late September.

Patrick: Ford should show up with the Twin Otter in half an hour.

The Twin Otter lands on the snow and ice landing strip in Nome. The plane is refueled. Patrick and Timothy climb into the Twin Otter.

Mel Gibson: Fantastic! The Powder Blue Tuxedo Boys are here. Your stuff is very funny. I watch it all the time.

Tom Cruise: Mel, you’d watch an elephant fart and think it’s funny.

Mel Gibson: It is. You’d be surprised at the sound, smell, and whatever that comes out of the pachyderm.
Harrison Ford: Okay, back there. Buckle up. We’re off to the North Pole.

…

The Twin Otter lands at the North Pole after a very cold 8-hour flight. The three actors and the Powder Blue Tuxedo Boys go out onto the ice to film.

Harrison Ford: Tom, Mel, and I hereby declare the Arctic Ocean a weapons and nuclear-free zone.

Mel Gibson: We come in peace for all mankind.

Tom Cruise: You wouldn’t believe how fucking cold it is here.

Tom Cruise plants a No Nukes flag on the ice.

Patrick: That’s a wrap. I think we got it.

Timothy: Yeah, we got frostbite.

The ice below starts to creak, crack, and heave. A Russian submarine’s conning tower comes up through the ice right under the Twin Otter.

Harrison Ford: My airplane!

Mel Gibson: That submarine is wearing your airplane as a hat, Harry.

Tom Cruise: Russkies are always trouble.

The submarine’s commander stands on the bridge of the conning tower under the Twin Otter. He swears in Russian.
Sub Commander: Americanskis always trouble. Is that Tom Cruise, Harrison Ford, and Mel Gibson? What are they doing at North Pole?

Patrick: No worries, comrade. We are here filming a commercial for ice hockey.

Timothy: Ice hockey? Really?

Patrick: The Russians love hockey.

Tom Cruise: I play hockey.

Harrison Ford: Yeah? Well, I was captain of a Soviet submarine in K-19, the Widowmaker.

Sub Commander: Da! K-19. Good movie. You don’t know shit about Soviet submarines.

Mel Gibson: Commander! Can you give us a lift back to Nome?

Sub Commander: My pleasure. Oh, are those the Powder Blue Tuxedo Boys?

Patrick and Timothy smile and wave.

Sub Commander: You Powder Blue Tuxedo Boys are very funny. We watch all your videos on the submarine. They make us laugh.

Tom Cruise: Let me get my gear out of the plane.

Cruise, in his athletic style, climbs up the submarine’s conning tower and into the wrecked Twin Otter. He comes out with a flare pistol.
Tom Cruise: No Russkies are going to take me prisoner!

Harrison Ford: Tom, put down the flare gun. We need a ride home to Nome.

Tom Cruise shoots the flare gun at the sub’s conning tower. He misses by twenty yards.

Sub Commander: Sdoh! Sdoh! Sdoh!

The Russian submarine dives back under the ice and disappears. The wrecked Twin Otter is left hanging on the ice.

Mel Gibson: Tom, do you even know how to shoot a gun?

Harrison Ford: I’ll get in the plane and radio for help.

Eight hours later, another Twin Otter picks up the stranded actors and the Powder Blue Tuxedo Boys.

Patrick: I lost the camera. It went down with the submarine.

Timothy: Not to worry. I got it all on my hidden hair cam.

…

It’s another hot, sunny afternoon in Los Angeles. Patrick and Timothy are in their usual booth in the Frolic Room.

Patrick: Do you have the video from your Hair Cam?

Timothy: Oh, yeah. I’ve got a great shot of Tom Cruise missing the sub’s conning tower with the flare gun by twenty yards.

Patrick calls Tom Cruise.

Patrick: Hi Tom. Patrick here. Timothy and I have some video footage of us all at the North Pole. We have a good clip of you shooting the flare gun at the sub.

Tom Cruise: I’d like that video, and I want the only copy.

Patrick: Sure, Tom. You know the price.

Tom Cruise: The money is on its way to the Caymans.

Click.

Timothy: Tom doesn’t want people to know he can’t shoot worth a shit.

Patrick: At least your long blonde hair is good for something.

Timothy: The hidden hair camera saved the day. What happened to Ford and Gibson?

Patrick: They had to pay for getting the Twin Otter off the North Pole. They are suing the Russians.

Timothy: Good luck with that.

…

Back at the North Pole, Arnold Schwarzenegger flies in with his C-130 on skis.

Arnold: Ya! This Twin Otter is mine now. Load it on the plane.

The mechanics tear down the Twin Otter and load it into the C-130 cargo plane.

Arnold: Ya! Now I own Ford’s ass.

Arnold flies the C-130 into the sunset, headed for Nome.

Arnold: Nome is such a shithole.

Fin