Attack of the Mole People, June 24th, 2025

Attack of the Mole People, June 24th, 2025

It is 8 AM at the Cafe Ambrosia in New York City’s midtown. It’s a beautiful sunny morning. Patricia and Timothea are having their usual lattes and biscottis at their favorite table by the window. They are dressed in powder pink business suits. They own the cafe.

Patricia: Moleski tells me that the tunnels are dug and ready.

Timothea: I hope so. I’m tired of making compost for the worms.

Patricia: I have been working on a surprise. Let’s go down to the Mo-Kave.

Timothea: It’s the Mole Cave.

Patricia: Mo-Kave sounds cooler.

Patricia and Timothea walk back to the storage room, open a secret door, and get into the elevator. They go down five stories. The doors open onto a huge space about 100 yards long and fifty yards wide. Train tracks line the bottom of the chamber. It’s an old subway repair shop.

Moleski: The tunnels are dug. The moles are ready for their feeding.

Moleski hits a button and a chute opens above the cage full of thousands of moles, sending thousands of earthworms down into the cages.

Moleski is about 4’5”. She was once a midget on Broadway, but she grew out of her roles. She has black hair, a long, pointy nose, and squints through thick glasses.

The room is lit by red lights to keep everyone from losing their night vision in the tunnels.

Timothea: All these red lights remind me of a bordello.

Patricia: You should know.

Timothea: Monsieur Dupre told me it was good exercise for my health.

Moleski: No doubt.

Patricia: So, the moles have reached Trump Tower and the NYC Federal Reserve gold vault?

Moleski: Yes. We are ready to cut the power, Internet, and water to Trump Tower in the north tunnel. Only a quarter inch of concrete is between us and the gold in the vault at the end of the south tunnel.

Timothea: I’m tired of tapping into the sewage lines. It makes my hair stink.

Moleski: Use more hair gel.

Patricia: I’ve been busy as well.

She walks over to a large pink tarp and pulls it off with a flourish.

Revealed is a low, heavy-duty vehicle with a cargo tray in the back. It is painted pink with an image of a mole on the cab doors.

Patricia: I built twenty of these to carry the gold from the Fed’s vaults to our Mo-Kave. I call this “The Mo-Kart”.

Timothea: Of course you do. You also get Mo-Krazy every day.

Moleski: Who is going to load all that gold into these Mo-Karts? Those gold bars are heavy.

Patricia: That is why Timothea and I have been lifting weights and working out at the gym for the past two months.

Moleski: I’ve seen bigger arms on earthworms.

…

The Mole Op goes off without a hitch. The police all go to Trump Tower while the Powder Pinks and Moleski steal the gold bars from the Federal Reserve bank vault.

Back at the Mole Cave with the gold in the Go-Karts, the three women get together by the elevator.

Timothea: Now what?

Moleski: It’s not like we can take these gold bars down to the bank and make a deposit.

Patricia: I have a plan.

She shows three airline tickets.

Patricia: We are going to LaGuardia and then to LA.

….

At the Frolic Room, it is the usual sunny afternoon on Hollywood Boulevard in Los Angeles. Timothy and Patrick are in their booth drinking Beck’s Beer. “I am a Mole & Live in a Hole” is playing on the jukebox.

Above the bar, the large screen TV shows the images of three women. Two are in pink business suits, the other is very short and looks a bit like a mole.

Patrick: That’s my granddaughter.

Timothy: And mine.

Patrick: We never should have taken them to the Oscars decades ago when we were hosting the awards.

Timothy: It’s obviously given them ideas.

Patrick: I wonder how much gold they stole?

Eddie: That’s my granddaughter, Moleski.

Patrick: Why doesn’t that surprise me?

TV announcer: The gang that disabled Trump Tower is also suspected of stealing gold bars from the New York Federal Reserve Bank’s vaults. People are calling them “The Powder Pinks Gang”. Also, thousands of moles and tons of earthworms were discovered in an old subway repair shop under Cafe Ambrosia.

Patrick: I do like the Cafe Ambrosia coffee.
Timothea: It’s the perfect coffee bean blend.

Patrick: How are the girls going to move all those gold bars?

The front door of the Frolic Room opens, and in walks two young women in powder pink business suits and a very short woman who looks a bit like a mole.

All three women shout in unison: “Grandpa!”

Fin
TJM & PK