Bums versus Beasts, April 3, 2025

Bums & Beasts, April 3rd, 2025

The Powder Blue Tuxedo Boys are in their booth at the Frolic Room, drinking Beck’s Beers. The evening news is on the television over the bar.

TV Anchor: The wildlife overpass over the freeway and the LA River is nearing completion. Animal enthusiasts are ecstatic. Here is Karen Kwillick of Wildlife Needs to Travel.

Karen: Finally, mountain lions, bears, skunks, possums, raccoons, and even squirrels will be free to travel from one wilderness area to another in the Los Angeles Basin.

TV Anchor: After the overpasses are finished, they will be covered with trees, bushes, and pathways for the animals.

Patrick and Timothy watch the story on TV with interest.

Timothy: The homeless will move in there on the first day.

Patrick: Hmmm…homeless and wildlife…

Timothy: Ahh, are you thinking what I’m thinking?

Patrick: I see a Reality TV Show opportunity.

Six months later…

The boys are again in the Frolic Room watching the evening news on the TV over the bar.

TV Anchor: Today, there was another incident where a homeless man on the wildlife overpass was attacked by a bear. Authorities are looking into the matter.
Timothy’s phone rings.

Timothy: Hello…So, you accept our proposal? … Good. We’ll be ready in a week or two.

Patrick: So, she bought it.

Timothy: Mayor Bass is in hook, line, and sinker.

Eddie groans at the bar over the joke.

Two weeks later…

Patrick and Timothy are in their powder blue tuxedos as the emcee the first Caged Bum Fight. It’s sunset on the wildlife overpass. Timothy and Patrick are each in one of the fight cages talking into a microphone hanging in the center of the boxing ring.

Patrick: Tonight! You will all see a fight for the ages between two homeless men in this cage…

Timothy: And two homeless women in my cage. The winner of each match wins a six-month’s supply of the drug of their choice.

Patrick: The winner of each match may choose that or go on to the Wild Round where they fight a wild animal.

Timothy: The wild animal they fight will be chosen by Vanna White spinning the Wheel of Fortune. Where the pointer lands on the wheel decides the beast to fight the bum.

Patrick: It could be a bear, a mountain lion, or a squirrel. They are all dangerous.

Timothy: If the bum defeats the beast, he or she wins a year’s supply of the drug of their choice and a luxury condo in Venice Beach rent-free for 12 months.

Patrick: We want to thank Karen Kwillick of Wildlife Needs to Travel and all of the generous donors who made all this possible.

Timothy: And now! Are you ready?

Patrick: Bums Versus Beasts!!!!

The crowd goes crazy in the stands. The celebrities have their own special section of luxury boxes near the fight cages.

The two homeless men start slugging each other in their cage while the homeless women scratch and claw each other and pull hair. Blood is soon streaming down their faces. The scent of blood washes over the crowd. They scream for more.

The celebrities are laughing in their box suites as they sip champagne and eat oysters.

Suddenly, the roar of a mountain lion is heard.

Patrick: That isn’t one of our mountain lions is it?

Timothy: No. All the animals are eating in their cages over the hill.

Patrick: This can’t be good.

A large mountain lion runs onto the stage and roars at the fighters.
Timothy: I bet those bums are glad they are in a cage.

Patrick: Well, the celebrities are wishing they were. Look at ‘em go!

Timothy: Tom Cruise is well in the lead with Brad Pitt close behind.

Patrick: Oprah is falling behind the pack. The mountain lion is gaining on her.

Timothy: Eewwwww! That was ugly.

Patrick: At least Oprah was finally in The Lion King.

…

An hour later, back at the Frolic Room.

Patrick: All the animals got loose. They were raiding the homeless encampments last I saw.

Timothy: The wild animals were eating the bums and everything in their tents, including the drugs.

The TV over the bar is showing footage from the mayhem in the Wildlife Corridor over the freeway.

TV Anchor: The animals are injecting meth, fentanyl, heroin, marijuana, and whatever they find in the homeless tents. They are spreading out over Los Angeles, looking for more drugs in all the homeless encampments in the city.

The TV shows footage of animals tearing apart tents and attacking the homeless.

Patrick: It always makes me sad watching a raccoon use his little paws to shoot up heroin.

Timothy: I had no idea they were so dexterous.

Patrick: The bears ate a bunch of pot and have a serious case of the munchies. They are eating every bag of Doritos in town.

Timothy: The possums who took Quaaludes are just plain sad. They may never wake up.

Patrick: At least we got paid. We got our money up front.

Timothy: And we solved the homeless problem in LA.

Patrick and Timothy in unison: Ka-ching!

TJM & PK