It’s another beautiful, warm, sunny day on Hollywood Boulevard in Los Angeles. The Powder Blue Tuxedo Boys are in their booth drinking Beck’s beers. “Cool Water” by the Sons of the Pioneers is playing on the jukebox.
Timothy: I love this song. It reminds me of the days you worked at the miniature golf course.
Patrick: Reminds me what parched Healdyites will be longing for after our river dries up.
Timothy: Those Round Valley Indians and the fish lovers are gonna tear down the dams on the Eel River. No more water pumped over the hill into the Russian River.
Patrick: No more Lake Pillsbury. Our Russian River is gonna turn to dust in the summer.
Timothy: Our house and property’s value will turn to dust.
Patrick: The Pillsbury Dough Boy is leaving the valley.
Timothy’s phone rings.
Timothy: Elon, I told you to never call me on this line. Boring? We are not boring. We just haven’t had much work since Kamalatoe dumped us.
Timothy hands his phone to Patrick.
Patrick: Yeah, so you saw my drawings. Do you think it’s feasible?
Elon: Feasible? You two will be crowned the Water Barons of Sonoma. My boring company can complete the tunnel from the Eel River to Barry’s shack in a couple of weeks. I’ve already secured the rights to build a giant waterworks where the Blue Shack sits today.
Patrick: How much money did that take? Nobody gets permits that fast in California unless your name is Newsom, Brown, or Harris.
Elon: Who said anything about permits? My machines will bore a tunnel from the Eel River to Barry’s Blue Shack in about two weeks.
Timothy: How many boring machines do you have?
Elon: Just you two morons. I have about ten machines running now. They are leftover from my Las Vegas tunnel project.
Patrick: Okay, no more boring jokes. Wait,… that’s a boring joke.
Elon: The machines start boring the tunnels tonight. When they reach the Blue Shack, we’ll use the machines to dig out the huge reservoir underground. Talk to you later. Gotta go… (faintly heard) What?!? What does that orange-haired old man from Queens want me to do now?…click.
Timothy: What is it about Elon and tunnels? Does he have a tunnel fetish?
Patrick: Well, he does have a dozen kids or so.
Two Weeks Later…
Patrick and Timothy are wearing powder blue coveralls, and their name tags have “Pee-Bah Water” emblazoned in yellow.
Timothy: I’m not sure our supposedly artesian water company should be called “Pee-Bah Water,” especially with yellow letters.
Patrick: It’s short for “Powder Blue Artesian Water.” The name is perfect. It means our water is clean artesian water. No one will know it’s from the Eel River.
Timothy: The Indians up in Round Valley aren’t going to like us taking their water.
Patrick: I’ll watch out for Tonto wearing his warpaint.
Timothy: Tonto in a Pinto arriving pronto.
Patrick: Tonto will never be in the know-know.
The boys are in Barry’s Blue Shack running the pumps and gauges as they send water to various supposedly artesian well heads around Healdsburg. The wells have meters on them. To use the water, the buyer scans a credit card for so many gallons, just like at a gas station.
Patrick: The money is rolling into our Pee-Bah Water account. We are making money.
Timothy: That commercial jingle you came up with for the Pee-Bah Water was great.
Pee-Bah Ad Jingle:
All day I’ve faced the Pillsbury waste
Without the taste of water,
cool water
Old Elon and I with throats burned dry
And souls that cry for water
Cool, clear water
The nights are cool, I’m using my boring tool
Each turn of the tool brings water,
cool water
And with the dawn I’ll wake and yawn
And bore for more water
Cool, clear water
Patrick: Elon insisted upon his being in the jingle along with his boring machines.
Timothy: We did get the “boring tool” joke in the jingle.
Patrick: I never want to hear another boring joke in my life.
…
TJM & PK
Timmy Tae's Thoughts 