Gold Zinger!

Gold Zinger (Powder Blue Tuxedo Boys) Feb. 26, 2025

Patrick and Timothy, the Powder Blue Tuxedo Boys, are in the Fifth Avenue Theater in Seattle. They are attending the premiere of the new James Bond film, “Gold Zinger.”

Patrick: Does it ever quit raining in this town? I’m all wet, and my clothes are steaming.

Timothy: You’ll get used to it.

Patrick: You told me not to bring an umbrella.

Timothy: No one except a tourist uses umbrellas in Seattle. The last thing you want, is for Seattleites to know you are from LA.

Patrick: I hope Bezos used some of our script material for the movie. We did a good job. Then again, Bezos screws up every artistic endeavor he touches.

Timothy: I still can’t believe the Broccoli family sold creative control of the Bond films to Bezos and Amazon.

The boys are seated in the first row of the balcony and have great seats. Jeff Bezos and his partner, Lauren Sanchez, come on the stage in front of the theater curtain.

Bezos: Lauren and I worked hard on this film. Lauren and her team of lesbian pilots were central to the success of Gold Zinger.

Sanchez: We’d also like to thank President Trump and Elon Musk for playing themselves in the film as well as Jerome Powell of the Federal Reserve.

Bezos: They were great sports to help us make this film a success, and they worked for free.

Sanchez: And now, on with the film: Gold Zinger!

The curtain goes up, and the film begins. Snoop Dogg is doing the orchestral music with rap lyrics:

“Gold Ziiiingeeeer. He’s the man with the rotten touch.
He don’t produce much!

Gold Ziiiingeeeer, the man in a suit of greeeeeeennnnn.
Man he’s meeeeannnnnnnn!”

Patrick: This theme song is terrible.

Timothy: All I see are dollar bills and gold bars dropping down with the credits going on. Where are the sexy girls and Bond?

Patrick: Bond and sexy girls are not DEI-approved.

Timothy: So much for our ideas for the credits.

Patrick: It can only get better.

The movie gets worse.

Patrick: Laura Sanchez is Pussy Galore with her lesbian pilots in Blackhawk helicopters. We did write that.

Timothy: But she and her pilots are spraying Amazon’s Mix-Bar Hibiscus perfume, not Anthrax, over Fort Knox.

Patrick: It’s obviously product placement for Bezos.

Soldier on the ground at Fort Knox, “That’s Mix-Bar Hibiscus perfume. My girlfriend wears it. Even the colonel wears it. I love the smell of Mix-Bar Hibiscus perfume in the morning.”

Patrick: At least they are playing “Song of the Valkyries” as the helicopters spray the perfume.

Timothy: But it’s a rap version.

The scene on the screen is of the movie climax down in the gold vaults of Fort Knox. Donald Trump and Elon Musk are there counting the gold bars.

Jerome Powell shows up in a green suit covered in question marks. He’s demanding that Trump and Musk stop counting the gold bars.

Powell: These gold bars are mine! You can’t count them or possess them.

…

Patrick; Wait a second. We wanted Powell in a green suit covered in dollar signs, not question marks.

Timothy: Powell looks like the Riddler in the old Batman TV show.

Patrick: This movie is a disaster!

Timothy: Did we get paid?

Patrick: Let me check. Yep, the money is in our Cayman bank account

Powell, in his green suit, escapes on the Blackhawk helicopter flown by Lauren Sanchez. Jeff Bezos is the copilot.

Powell: That was close. Trump and Elon almost got me.

Bezos: What you need is some Mix-Bar Hibiscus perfume. You will come out of this smelling like a rose, I mean, hibiscus.

The final scene is of Elon Musk and Donald Trump playing poker in the vault. They are betting with gold bars.

…

Timothy: At least Bezos kept our final poker scene in the movie.

Patrick: James Bond wasn’t even in the film.

Timothy: That is confusing.

Patrick: Let’s get out of here.

The final credits come up in the film. The ventilation system of the theater sprays a mist of Mix-Bar Hibiscus perfume on the audience. They all clap like seals.

Mix-Bar Hibiscus perfume is on sale in the lobby. It quickly becomes a best seller on Amazon.

…

The Powder Blue Tuxedo Boys take an Uber to the Space Needle. They get a few drinks and some oysters in the restaurant at the top of the Seattle icon.

Timothy: Were our names in the credits?

Patrick: No. I made sure of that.

The boys clink glasses and smile.

“Kaching!”

TJM