The Powder Blue Kilt Boys in 1030 AD Ireland
Padraig and Tadhg are sitting in the Luathal Rum (Frolic Room) at Dunguaire Castle in Connacht, Ireland. The castle sits on Lough Chilean Adhmaid (Hollywood Lake). Trees are as scarce as virgins in the bare mountainous landscape.
The boys are at their table drinking mead. They both wear powder blue plaid kilts, sheepskin shirts, and sandals.
Eadbhard serves the boys another ale in a wooden mug.
Padraig: Ya know, Eadbhard, these fecking wooden mugs leak. Do you even wash them?
Eadbhard shrugs his shoulders and goes off to tell the musicians to keep playing if they want any more ale.
Tadhg: So, how are things here in the castle?
Padraig: They’d be better if you took care of O’Malley like I told you to do.
Tadhg: I hit him pretty hard, boss. O’Malley was bleeding like his blood was free and he wanted to give it away.
Padraig: Well, he’s still walking around. O’Malley’s been stealing our sheep.
Tadhg: I thought he was married.
Padraig gives Tadhg a look.
Tadhg: I heard that the Norsemen were raping and pillaging on the other side of the mountain.
Padraig: As if there aren’t enough blondes and redheads around here already.
Tadhg: Do you want me to go over there and do something about it?
Padraig: Sure. Maybe you should take O’Malley with ya. Just the sight of O’Malley’s bloody head and your ugly face will scare the horny horned devils back to Norway.
Tadhg gives Padraig a look.
Tadhg: No need to get personal.
Padraig: Ahhh, forget it. If the mushroom chugging blondies come over the hill, we’ll hole up here in the castle.
Tadhg: Have you fixed the plumbing?
Padraig gives Tadhg a look.
Padraig: What plumbing?
Tadhg: That’s what I thought.
A pretty caileag walks into the Luathal Rum. She heads for the Powder Blue Kilt Boys’ table.
Maeve: Hi boys. My name is Maeve.
Padraig: Aye. Your name is no lie. You are intoxicating.
Tadhg: But she hasn’t had a drink.
Maeve: I’ve come to ask you boys a favor. I need your help to win over the Chieftain of the Tuath.
Tadhg: You mean An Seanrud Salach (dirty old man)?
Padraig: Hey, my Uncle washes himself at least four times a year.
Maeve: Oh, he’s a kind old soul. I’d sure like to meet him.
And in walks An Seanrud Salach himself. He strolls over to their table.
Seanrud Salach: Hi boys! Oh, and who is this lovely caileag?
Maeve: My name’s Maeve. I’d like to help you with your health and hygiene. Perhaps I could draw you a bath?
The two of them walk off and go upstairs.
Tadhg: I thought you said there was no plumbing.
Padraig: Maeve will find out soon enough that there’s no plumbing on my Uncle either.
An alarm is sounded in the castle. The Norsemen are approaching the castle moat.
Padraig: Raise the drawbridge!
Tadhg: So, I’m spending the night then? I suppose it’s in the stables as usual.
Padraig: Let’s have a few more rounds. Battling Norsemen always makes me thirsty.
Tadhg: Aye. Their breath alone will kill ya. Do you think we’ll survive the day?
Padraig: I don’t think my uncle will survive the night.
TJM
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