Christmas Eve High Mass, 1965

Powder Blue Tuxedo Boys; Dec. 26th, 2023

Christmas Eve Mass, 1965. The Powder Blue Tuxedo Boys

December 26th, 2023

It’s 6 PM on Christmas Eve in Lincoln, Nebraska. Timothy and Patrick are 13 years old and in the sacristy of the newly built Cathedral of the Risen Christ Church getting on their cassocks and albas for Christmas Eve High Mass.

Patrick; You’d think we could at least get the fancy red cassocks instead of these old black ones.

Timothy: Did you check yours for cum stains?

Patrick: Ha-Ha! Seriously, why aren’t Flaherty and Pesek doing this gig? They’re the good-looking altar boys.

Timothy: It might have something to do with the cum stains.

Patrick and Timothy exchange glances.

Patrick: I suppose Father O’Byrne is doing the High Mass?

Timothy: Yeah. No idea why. The guy can barely speak American.

Patrick: I suppose O’Byrne will be wanting the incense burner. Those things stink to high heaven.

Timothy: I think that’s the point.

Patrick: Are you going to get all the best lines in this skit?

Patrick gets out the incense burner and Timothy loads it up with incense. Father O’Byrne comes into the Sacristy and the boys put on his white vestments for Christmas Eve High Mass.
Father O’Byrne: Now boys, ya’ ken the drill. Ya’ follow me holdin’ the tail of me vestments while I go up and down the aisle swingin’ the incense. Then we start the High Mass.

Timothy and Patrick in unison: Aye Father.

The holy trio goes into the church and starts walking down the aisle. The Cathedral of the Risen Christ is packed with Catholics. They want to be there for the first Christmas Eve High Mass in the new church.

Patrick lights the incense in the burner with a long wick. Father O’Byrne begins to swing it back and forth as they walk down the aisle.

The smoke wafts upwards towards the heavens and the smoke detectors. There is a lot of smoke.

Patrick: For fuck’s sake! How much incense did you put in there, Timothy?

Timothy: I wanted it to make an impression.

Patrick: Oh, it’s going to make an impression alright.

Just then the fire alarms go off and so does the sprinkler system. A raining of water and noise falls down upon the congregation all dressed in their holiday best.

Father O’Byrne: Oh Foook!

The trio hurries back into the sacristy. Patrick finds the circuit breakers to cut the alarm but the sprinklers keep flowing. All three of them are soaking wet.

The clerically dressed trio can hear the moans and groans and cries from the people in the church.

They can hear the people leaving the cathedral in a disgruntled hurry.

The fire department shows up and shuts off the sprinklers. The Fire Chief comes into the sacristy to ask if Father O’Byrne and the two boys are okay.

Father O’Byrne: I never should have left Tipperary.

Patrick and Timothy in unison: We’re fine.

Fire Chief: So what started all this?

Patrick: An Act of God. I don’t think He liked the modern architecture of the place.

TJM