Austin Blues, Feb. 18th, 2021
Our boys in powder blue cowboy tuxedos are drinking in the Elephant Room in Austin, Texas after Valentine’s Day. VD was the day of the big freeze and snowstorm in Texas. It’s 3 PM and the bar has power so it is crowded with patrons. Patrick and Timothy find a cozy corner table and sip their drinks while eating a batch of BBQ wings.
Patrick; Well, here we are in sunny warm Austin, Texas freezing our asses off.
Timothy; Moses Isaacson (their agent) told us that a call would be coming in soon from two very wealthy clients and we could do a double dipper here. Make some real money.
Patrick: All Moses told me was that we had to be flexible and see things from both sides.
Timothy: What the hell does that mean?
Patrick’s phone rings. It’s from the White House.
Patrick: Good grief, it’s Jen Psaki, Uncle Joe’s press secretary.
Timothy: You mean the red headed roundabout girl who’s always circling back?
Patrick: Yeah. I better answer it. Hello.
Jen Psaki: Patrick, the President wants you and Timothy to work on his statement for when he comes to Texas to console the victims of this climate change event. He needs you to explain that it was all Trump’s fault and FEMA will save the day. We need this statement to be three sentences max using simple English. You have 24 hours. Get back to me.
Timothy: No way Biden is coming to Texas. I vaguely remember bad things happening when another Democratic President came to Dallas.
Patrick: I’m sure it will be a virtual trip with a green screen behind Biden. Those Democrats pay pretty well. Moses said it was the usual contract with a big bonus if Biden uses it.
Timothy: Okay. Consolation, climate change, Trump’s fault, FEMA to the rescue. It practically writes itself. No problem
Patrick: Yeah, easy peasy.
Patrick’s phone rings again.
Patrick: It’s Ted Cruz. Why would he call us? Hello.
Ted Cruz: I heard you boys are the best from Donald. Look, I made a mistake and went to Cancun during this snowstorm and power outage emergency. I need you both to write me a mea culpa that isn’t too mea culpa if you know what I mean?
Patrick: Sure, Ted. We went to Catholic schools and have been writing for politicians for a long time. So you want an apology that isn’t a real apology?
Cruz: Yes, and also blame the crisis on Biden and the Green Energy folks like AOC. I need it in three sentences and simple English & in an hour.
Patrick: Okay. We’ll get back to you.
Timothy: How does Isaacson find these clients? He is amazing.
Patrick: Moses knows. So how do we handle this one?
Timothy: Family, yes family. His daughter was being married in Cancun and he had to go to pay the caterers.
Patrick: Sure family obligations. That handles the first part of an apology, but not an apology. Biden and AOC and the greenies are to blame for the frozen windmills of the mind in West Texas.
Timothy: Oh, I like that “frozen windmills of the mind” phrase.
Patrick: Let me text this off quickly to Cruz and Psaki. … done!
Timothy: Hopefully a big paycheck awaits us when we get back to Cali.
Patrick: Moses never lies. He likes his 10%.
The snow continues to fall outside in Austin as the chicken wings are devoured by the boys in powder blue cowboy outfits.
A big beer bellied Texan walks up to their table.
Texan: Ya’ll gonna sing here t’night?
Patrick: We may. Do you have any favorites?
Texan: “Drop Kick me Jesus” (through the goal posts of life) is my favorite. My wife and I had it played at our weddin’.
Timothy: I’ll add it to our song list.
The lights dim as the power dips. The crowd murmurs. The TV flickers. The boys finish the wings and order another round.