Writing for Trump, January 7th, 2021
Patrick and Timothy have been hired to write some jokes for Trump’s big speech on the Capitol Mall on January 6th. They are standing behind the stage in case they are needed for quick rewrites. The duo are wearing their usual powder blue tuxedos and spats.
Timothy: Remind me. Why did we take this gig? We don’t even support Trump. Hell, we don’t even vote.
Patrick: Easy money. We make a few Biden jokes. A few Hillary jokes. Make fun of McConnell’s triple chin. Easy money.
Timothy: Well, yeah, the jokes are going over well. The crowd’s eating it up.
Patrick: Once the speech is over, we go back to our suite in the Trump Hotel and fly home tomorrow first class.
Just then President Trump finishes his speech and comes behind the stage to shake everyone’s hand. He walks up to the tuxedo boys.
Trump; Boys, those were some great jokes. Wish I had you with me on the campaign.
Trump then gives them MAGA caps and moves on to his motorcade taking him back to the White House.
Patrick and Timothy put on the red MAGA hats to blend into the crowd as they head back to the Trump Hotel. Some people give them odd looks in their tuxedos, but Timothy and Patrick are used to it.
Patrick: We are the caterers.
Timothy: You won’t believe the size of the shrimp cocktails we’ve got set up for ya’ll in the hospitality tent on the Mall.
The crowd gets huge and congested around Patrick and Timothy. They are swept up into the crowd headed for the Capitol building.
Timothy: This is another fine mess you’ve gotten us into!
Patrick: Look at it as story material for our next screenplay or jokes for the next awards show.
Timothy: If we live through it.
Patrick: C’mon. Where’s your sense of adventure?
Soon they are at the Capitol steps. No cops in sight.
Timothy: Well, I guess we might as well go inside.
Patrick: I can’t climb that scaffolding and steps.
Timothy: My great aunt worked here. I know where the elevator is. The Congressmen would use it for hookers, but now it’s supposedly for the handicapped.
Patrick: Well, we qualify.
Timothy: Yeah, on both counts.
Timothy leads the powder blue tuxedoed duo to a hidden door under the steps. He punches in the code on the security keypad and the door opens to an elevator.
They enter the elevator and Timothy asks: Where do you want to go?
Patrick: The Senate. Ever since watching “ Animal House “ I’ve envisioned myself as the John Belushi character who ends up becoming a senator.
Timothy punches the correct button and up they go. The elevator doors open. They are in the Senate Cloakroom. One can almost feel and smell all the activities in this room. The hookers didn’t have to travel far.
Patrick: Look! There’s the door to the Senate floor. Let’s go.
They wander into the chamber alone. None of the protesters are there yet.
Patrick immediately goes to the Vice President’s chair in front of the room and sits down.
Patrick: Wow! This was on my bucket list.
He picks up the gavel and starts smacking it on the wood pad.
Patrick: Hear ye! Hear ye! Hear ye! I hereby abolish all taxation on writers!
Timothy rummages through the wooden desks until he finds those of Chuck Schumer and Mitch McConnell. He take all of Chuck’s stuff and puts it in Mitch’s and vice versa.
Timothy: I doubt if they’ll notice the difference.
Suddenly they can hear the mob coming like the Orcs from the deep in the Mines of Moria.
Timothy: Time to go.
Patrick and Timothy retrace their steps and down the elevator. They walk through the crowd back to their suite at the Trump Hotel.
Over drinks they compare souvenirs from the Capitol.
Patrick: I took the gavel. It should burn nicely in my barbecue.
Timothy: I took Chuck Schumer’s condoms and Viagra tablets. Mitch didn’t have any.
They go out onto the balcony and sit and watch the action at the Capitol as they sip their drinks. The sun has set. The Capitol is lit up like a concentration camp.
Patrick: Ahhhh. Another fun day.
Timothy: Cheers to that!
They clink glasses and laugh.