Tank June 11th, 2020
Patrick and Timothy have flown from Los Angeles to Seattle to visit Timothy’s old haunts. The heat in LA was getting intense and our boys in the powder blue tuxedoes needed to go north to Puget Sound to cool off and feel the rain.
They find an open hotel in Timothy’s old home city of Edmonds there on the shores of Puget Sound. The fugitives from SoCal proceed to enjoy the local seafood and craft beers while gazing out across Puget Sound westward at the beautiful Olympic Mountains.
They are sitting in the bar of Arnie’s. The bar overlooks the Edmonds Marina with its many boats and the fishing pier.
The TV is on and they see that the Antifa/Black Lives Matter folks have taken over a six block neighborhood on Capitol Hill down in Seattle.
Timothy: I know that neighborhood. That’s where the original REI headquarters and store was located. I bought all my hiking and camping gear there back in the ’70’s.
Patrick: Don’t think you can shop there now.
Timothy: Well, this pisses me off. Who are these wankers?
Patrick: The same wankers we have in Los Angeles except these locals are all wet. Does it ever stop raining here? It’s June for chrissakes!
Timothy: Well, no. June is one of the rainiest months. It doesn’t quit raining until after July 4th. Fireworks are kind of a joke here. The skyrockets go up into the clouds and disappear.
Patrick: How did you live here for 25 years? Did you ever see the sun?
Timothy: For four weeks in late July early August it was sunny. But what are we gonna do about this Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone?
Patrick: What can we do about it?
Timothy: Well, back when I was a seaplane mechanic, I helped some guys up in Shohomish rebuild a WWII Sherman tank. It’s all the same analog 1930’s technology.
Patrick: Does it run?
Timothy: Yeah. We got it running and some of the guys were military so they even got the guns and ammo for it.
Patrick: You’re kidding.
Timothy: No. You can do anything in the USA if you have enough money, knowledge, determination, and connections.
Patrick: So what are you proposing? I’m afraid to ask.
Timothy: I’ll call up my friends in Snohomish and see if we can borrow the tank to go down to this Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone. We’ll put a GoPro camera or three on the tank and sell the video rights for a fortune.
Patrick: I can see it now! We take the tank and run over the barricades. We crush the signs. We scare the living bejesus out of these guys. I can see the camera angles now.
Timothy: I’ll drive the thing. You run the cameras. And oh, do you know how to operate a 50 caliber machine gun? You will be on the turret giving me directions and if it gets ugly, just shoot that gun into the street near their feet and they’ll take off.
Patrick: Are you running the cannon?
Timothy: I don’t think it will come to that. Besides, those cannon rounds are really expensive. The diesel alone will cost us $500.
Patrick: It would be an adventure and no doubt lucrative. I think we should wear our powder blue tuxedoes. The commies won’t know what to make of it.
Timothy: Good idea. But we’ll have to dry clean them afterwards. The tank is pretty dirty and oily.
Soon enough it is all arranged. The Sherman M4 tank is put on a flat bed trailer in Snohomish and driven down to Capitol Hill. The tank is offloaded on a quiet side street and then our heroes, Patrick and Timothy head the tank for 12th and Pine Streets.
Snohomish Friend: You boys from LA really are nuts. Don’t dent or scratch the tank. It’s not insured.
Timothy: We’ll cover any damages.
Patrick: What’s this “we” stuff?
Timothy: C’mon, these Antifa guys are cowards. Let’s make some money off of the film footage. Are your cameras ready?
Patrick: All ready and set to go.
The tank rolls down the street and comes to the barricade. Some armed Antifa men see the tank coming and look hesitant. Suddenly Patrick uses the PA loudspeaker on the tank.
Patrick: Please leave the area! We are filming a Brad Pitt movie. The film company will compensate you for any damage done. We’ll text you the phone number to call.
Antifa members are now really nervous. They look at each other like, “Whaaaat?”
Timothy guns the engine and heads straight for the barricades. The Antifa men scatter.
Patrick: Cameras are running.
Timothy runs the tank over the barricades in a huge crash. There is a grinding noise as the signs are turned to crushed plywood.
Suddenly a man runs out of a building. He yells at Patrick atop the tank.
Man: Are you the National Guard?
Patrick: No sir. We are cinematographers.
The tank continues down the street crushing signs, barriers, porte-potties.
Patrick: I think we got enough footage.
Timothy: Okay. Let’s go home.
The tank turns around on the street crushing parked cars, breaking fire hydrants (a geyser of water goes up 100’).
Back home on the quiet side street the tank is reloaded onto the flat bed trailer, covered again with a big green tarp, and driven back to the barn in Snohomish. No damage done, but the tank did get wet from the rain and fire hydrant.
Patrick and Timothy pay for the diesel and the truck hauling. They go off to edit the film footage looking for their big payday.
Patrick: You were right. My tuxedo is dirty as hell. I don’t think these stains will ever come out.
Timothy: That’s the price of freedom brother.