Academy Awards 2020

Typhoon Bar.png

Academy Awards 2020
Patrick and Timothy are at the Typhoon Bar at LAX airport. They like
the decor and the old photos on the walls. The bartenders there also
make excellent Harvey Wallbangers.
Patrick: We won the Golden Globe for our script of “Elon’s Secret”,
but the Academy locked us out.
Timothy: Well, Elon owns this town. At least we are still up for best
original song for “Elon Don’t Forget My Check” from the movie.
Patrick: Yeah, but can Schiff and Smollett pull of the performance
tonight?
Timothy: Sure. Schiff will be the comedy and Smollett will be the
rhythm. It’s like a freak show. Folks love that shit.
Patrick: Okay, but if we win we better have the Uber out back for our
usual getaway.
Timothy: Don’t forget your cane.
Patrick: Maybe we should go. These powder blue tuxedos are
starting to get us some stares.
Timothy: If anyone asks, we’ll just say the bride got cold feet and
ran away. Wedding cancelled.
Patrick: More likely we were disinvited.
….
At the theater
Bette Midler is at the center podium;
“And now performing “Elon Don’t Forget My Check” from the movie
“Elon’s Secret” is Schiff and Smollett
Schiff and Smollett are onstage. Schiff is wearing a black sequined
tuxedo, top hat, cane, and spats. Smollett is wearing the same outfit
in white.
Smollett is at the piano. Schiff is standing by the microphone:
Smollett: (Okay Elon, this one’s for you.)
Schiff and Smollett:
Baby don’t be shy
When you’re paying us dough
‘Cause we all know
You a government sucking ho
You got money
El-el-el-Elon no surprise
We know the money lust in your eyes
And you always pay us Elon
We play and you get the prize
Schiff:
I may be bug-eyed, snide, and justified
But Elon call me
Call me anytime, Elon
I’ll get that subsidy for you certified!
Schiff and Smollett
I’ve been searching high (high high)
I’ve been searching low (low low)
El-el-el-el, el-el-el-el Elon
Don’t forget our number
El-el-el-el, el-el-el-el Elon
Your Tesla is the new Hummer
El-el-el-el, el-el-el-el Elon
Don’t forget our number
We’ll see it all through
Jussie Smollett:
I was in the cold
Looking for gold
Put a noose around my neck and bleach
El-el-el-el-el
El-el-el-el-el-el
Got a punch mark too
El-el-el-el-el
El-el-el-el-el-el
Send the check for true
Schiff and Smollett:
El-el-el-el-Elon
Don’t forget our number
Your money will see us through
(Is Elon okay?)
(I don’t know.)
Crowd applauds like mad monkeys.
Bette Midler:
“And the award goes to Patrick & Timothy for “Elon Don’t Forget My
Check”!”
Patrick & Timothy again waddle up to the stage with their canes in their
ridiculous powder blue tuxedos and frilly white shirts wearing the usual
moccasins.
Patrick: Thanks Bette.
Timothy: And thanks to the Academy.
They raise their Oscars and walk offstage.
This time they get to keep their awards for keeping their mouths shut.
TJM

Milli Vanilli: “Don’t Forget My Number” is the theme.

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