The Screen Actor’s Guild Awards at the Shrine Theater in Los
Patrick and Timothy have just arrived at the Shrine Theater in Los
Angeles for the Screen Actor’s Guild Awards. They took a black Uber
from the airport.
Patrick is wearing a distressed blue tuxedo with a polka dot ruffled
dress shirt. Timothy is wearing a tie-dyed tuxedo and tie-dyed
ruffled shirt. Both are wearing moccasins.
They have been nominated for best screenplay for “Elon’s Secret”. A
movie about how Musk sold out his battery technology to the
Chinese to keep from going bankrupt. Musk now lives on St. Helena
in the middle of the Atlantic in Napoleon’s old house. Musk is
growing his fingernails and toenails ala Howard Hughes and cannot
attend the Screen Actor’s Guild Awards ceremony.
Timothy gets out of the Uber and exclaims, “What the hell is this? It
looks like a mosque? Did SAG convert to Islam?”
Patrick, “Well, yeah! Didn’t you get the memo?”
Timothy, “Funny. Do you think we can win again?”
Patrick, “They’ll put us onstage just for our outfits and our antics.”
Timothy, “Sigh. You are probably right. It’s all about the ratings. You
got your lines ready?”
Patrick, “Oh, yeah and the black Uber is at the back entrance waiting
for our getaway.”
Patrick and Timothy take their seats on the left hand side of the
stage about ten rows up. They are sitting just above Brad Pitt,
Leonardo DiCaprio, and Jennifer Anniston.
Patrick, “Can you believe it? You can see Anniston’s nipples through
that shiny silk dress.”
Timothy, “Not for the mouths of babes are those.”
Patrick laughs, “Uh oh! I think Pitt heard you.”
Brad Pitt walks up the aisle and tells Timothy to take his comments
about Anniston’s nipples and go to Hell!
Timothy, “Sorry Brad. My bad.”
Patrick, “That was close. Wait ’til we are onstage for that shit so we
can escape again.”
Finally the award for best screenplay is announced by Harrison Ford
and Sissy Spacek.
Ford, “The writers give us the words to say.”
Spacek, “And we bring their words to life.”
Ford, “Without us the words are just there laying on the page like an
old french fry.”
Spacek, “But we have to give the writers an award or they’ll get butt
Ford, “So for best screenplay the award goes to…”
Spacek, “Timothy and Patrick for ‘Elon’s Secret’.“
Timothy and Patrick waddle up to the stage in their ridiculous
tuxedoes. They are using canes now. The better to fight off the
critics and escape.
Ford hands them both their SAG Awards.
Patrick, “Thanks Harrison. How did that dog movie in Alaska go? At
least you have one friend in Hollywood.”
Timothy, “And thanks Sissy. I’ve always wanted to thank a sissy.”
Patrick, “Writing isn’t easy. But you folks in Los Angeles sure give us
a lot of material to work with.”
Timothy, “Elon Musk is one of the idiot savants of our time. “Idiot”
would be the predominant word in that phrase.”
Patrick, “But we love him. And every time I see a Tesla drive by, I
thank Elon for this script and now this award.”
Timothy, “Thanks to you all again. And especially to Jennifer
Anniston for the view of her nipples in that shiny dress. It made my
day. I won’t even need a Viagra tonight.”
Brad Pitt jumps up out of his seat and runs toward the stage.
Patrick and Timothy make their quick exit as usual. Both throw their
canes at Pitt to slow him down. And when that isn’t enough, they
throw their SAG trophies tripping Brad up. Brad hits the stage floor
Patrick and Timothy giggle and laugh and make it to their black
Uber ride and escape into the night.